Friday

I am going to court on Friday:-/ I wish I could say I wasn't nervous or sick to my stomach about it but I so am. This will be the end of a marriage and a dream. I HATE divorce. I hate what this does to the children. I hate how it makes you feel. I hate that unless you have been through this you will never understand the pain. Its no wonder God hates it because it sucks! Anyway, I guess I will just be a pile of nerves until it is over and hopefully then I will feel some sense of relief. Honestly I don't know how I am going to feel so I can't even prepare which also sucks. I would like to think that I will feel a sense of closure so I can move on with MY life. He already has but that is another post lol If you would like to pray the court time is at 1:30pm cst and all I want is God's will and to be able to accept whatever that is:-) I have MY wish list of what I would like to happen but since God knows the whole picture I am trying to trust that whatever happens is for the best. I just want this over with......oh and a good nights sleep....and maybe a maid....

Psalm 147:1-11 (New International Version)

1 Praise the LORD. [a]
How good it is to sing praises to our God,
how pleasant and fitting to praise him!

2 The LORD builds up Jerusalem;
he gathers the exiles of Israel.

3 He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.

4 He determines the number of the stars
and calls them each by name.

5 Great is our Lord and mighty in power;
his understanding has no limit.

6 The LORD sustains the humble
but casts the wicked to the ground.

7 Sing to the LORD with thanksgiving;
make music to our God on the harp.

8 He covers the sky with clouds;
he supplies the earth with rain
and makes grass grow on the hills.

9 He provides food for the cattle
and for the young ravens when they call.

10 His pleasure is not in the strength of the horse,
nor his delight in the legs of a man;

11 the LORD delights in those who fear him,
who put their hope in his unfailing love.

What is going on??

Just checking on you, hope everything is going well!
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Since this was left in my comments (thank you Sarah for checking) I figure I should probably update lol I didn't mean to be so quiet. I had all intentions of this being the best year yet and it still might be but it hasn't started out so great. First and this is NOT an excuse but I have hit a wall in counseling. I can't go further until I am willing to face some things about my childhood and they are pretty painful. It is helping A LOT to understand why I accepted some things and where I came from. Very eye opening but sometimes it hurts and I don't mean to but I end up lashing out at those I love most. So there was that and then just 5 days into the year a coworker and friend lost her 16yo son to a tragic car accident. Some things I will never be able to understand and a child dying is one. He had attended the school I work at last year and some of this year and I love his Mom so it was hard to deal with...I am thankful that most of the people I work with love Jesus and we had a whole prayer thing the day of the funeral. It hit one of my close friends at work hard because her Uncle died at the same time...I am not good at seeing people hurt:**( If that wasn't enough one of the girls that worked at my school went to sleep last Sunday and never woke up. Knowing she is in heaven is wonderful but sitting on the floor with a close friend of hers and watching her cry when we all found out was HARD. In between grieving I have also had to deal with mono...not with me but my kids. I know for sure one has it because they tested her but I have another one showing the same symptoms. The Dr just said to assume he has it and he doesn't need to be seen. Taking care of sick kids is SOOOOOOOOOOO tiring. It is times like these that being a single Mom seems overwhelming. The good news in all of this is as hard as it has been I have fought so hard not to close off the world and start pit dwelling. It wasn't easy but I forced myself to go to church and do things for others so that I didn't stay home feeling sorry for myself kwim And it really helped! This week I was also able to go out for a girls night and that totally made everything seem doable. Hopefully that will get me through the next two weeks because I am getting ready to go to court for the divorce:-/ I am sure that will be hard but hopefully will give me the closure that *I need to move forward.
Still I KNOW I serve an amazing God and I am so thankful that at the times that life seems hard and overwhelming I still have Him and He is all I need. So that is what is going on here...nothing major just hoping for a less stressful week...oh wait in other good news I am down 18lbs:-) Yay me!! Just 9 more to go!! Ok I am off to go love on a newborn when I bring his Mama dinner and groceries:-) Hope everyone else is doing great!!

Visit update

I just sat down to answer ALL of my email (sorry I am so behind and you know who you are!) and realized that several of you actually were interested in the visit with the stbx and how it went. I went against the advice of those who know me best and they still love me even if this was stressful for them too:-) I do believe it was their prayers that got me through. I thought I had prayed enough and knew what I was doing but as I was waiting for his plane that was delayed FOREVER I called someone because I thought I would throw up. All of a sudden I was terrified. I was so worried about how *I* would feel with him back in the house. It wouldn't be the first time that I was blind sided by my emotions. We shared a lifetime together and I thought I was still head over hills in love. I thought I would want to melt in his arms and give him another chance that he didn't deserve. I thought I would have to push all that down because deep down I knew I didn't want to go back to the that life. I knew I didn't come this far to go back and I was scared....scared of myself! I was pleasantly surprised because when I saw him I had NO feelings. I still care because he is the father of my children but I didn't want to melt in his arms...I didn't want to dream that things could change...I didn't want any of it. I am happy right now. I know I am a single Mom and my job is hard and neverending but I really AM happy. I love my life. I love my "family" here and I don't miss the walking on eggshells. I don't miss the cheating and the lies. I don't miss having to pretend that we were ok for the kids. I don't miss being scared when he came home. I actually believe I deserve better now. This is HUGE. I can start out this year with the gift of knowing it really IS over for me. That will help when we go to court next month. I don't have to look back and hope for that hallmark ending. I have a life with my kids that has a future. I honestly love my job and my church and my friends are amazing. God has given me the things I have always wanted and they aren't materials...they are family and unconditional love and that feeling of belonging somewhere.That doesn't mean I don't get lonely or stressed or my life is perfect. I have my days that I still spend in the pit. I take medication for depression and I am in counseling. Still I am happier because I am in God's will...there is no place I would rather be and I have to tell you that feels amazing....This year is looking pretty good so far:-)

Happy Birthday!!!!

Last year I told you about someone who changed my life and I don't think there is too much I can add BUT once again it is her birthday:-) This birthday is special because it ends in a zero but I will let her share which one it is lol *I* can tell you she doesn't look her age at all because she has that complexion that people pay good money for with the smoothest skin...throw in the great hair and you want to hate her but you just can't because she is too sweet lol I am just so blessed to know her and I can't imagine where I would be if she wasn't in my life. She is that friend that can pull me out of the pit when I shut out the world...the friend that can fuss at me but do it with so much love that you can't get upset....the friend that can make me laugh no matter what is going on in my life....the friend that can make me smile just by entering a room. I have once again been blessed this year with her love and support and just her presence. She is my family and even though we aren't related biologically I believe God put her in my life to show me what family is supposed to be. She is the sister I have always wanted and always prayed for.... She is one of the first people I pray for when I wake up and one of the last I pray for when I go to bed. She is the one that I set aside a time for on Wednesday to pray for as she goes to change lives in her church because I believe in what she is doing. She gives SOOOOOOOOO much of herself and sacrifices so much of her time just to share Gods love. If it means getting up at 4:30am to sit at a hospital with a friend having surgery or sharing Jesus with a snot nosed little kid or just having someone in her home to share the holidays she makes EVERYONE feel special and loved. I honestly don't think I could have made it through some of the things I have had to go through without her... Going through a divorce and moving half way across the country were hard but were made bearable with friends like her to carry me to my Father's feet and pray with and for me. She already knows how I feel about her and I try to tell her at every opportunity how special she truly is but I wanted to share with you too...she is the most amazing Mother and I have learned some valuable lessons from her and my children can tell you what a difference it has made in their lives. I could go on and on and on and I usually do in email to her because I want her to know.... I guess I could sum up all of it by telling you the best gift she has given me was her unconditional love because in this world THAT is hard to come by... Merci I hope you never change and that your birthday is a great one and you can see how MUCH you are loved and cared for...I am just so proud of you! Today is the day to celebrate your birth and I plan on doing that and I will start by thanking God for sharing you with us because you are an angel on earth....you not only changed THIS family's life but you make the world a better place to live in...you are amazing and I love you Bazooka! With ALL of my heart...forever:-)